Actually, two and a half. Boys will be boys.

The Logging Road Cyclist went to run the Illinois River with The Bad Drunk and a couple of Kids, The Assailant and The Nice One. It was a beautiful warm spring day with 2500 cfs in the river. An idyllic run.

Down below Submarine Hole, they camped on the right bank in a cobbly little getaway. After dinner, the kids smoked some dope and ate the mushrooms they had brought, while The Bad Drunk swilled his way through the bottle of pinot he had decanted into an aluminum fuel bottle. The sober TLRC lounged in his sleeping bag, enjoying the glow of the canyon.

About half-way through his swill, The Bad Drunk started up a little game with TLRC. “You’re a black belt, TLRC,” he’d say, “see if you can stop me from getting you!”, and then he’d dart in and poke TLRC somewhere on the upper body.

This was pretty irritating, but TLRC was used to The Bad Drunk, so he took it for a while, quite a while, actually, and he asked The Bad Drunk a number of times, politely, please to stop. Finally, TLRC told The Bad Drunk to stop it, for real, or TLRC would. TLRC had been really, really, patient, but the continued unwanted poking by a bad drunk was getting to be a bit much.

The Bad Drunk, of course, as bad drunks are wont to do, did it again, because he thought it was pretty funny, what he was doing. The next time he poked TLRC and retreated, TLRC snatched The Bad Drunk’s ankle and chopped at the back of his knee. This laid out The Bad Drunk pretty well, aided, no doubt by his drunkenness. The Kids looked on. The Bad Drunk sat back and started chattering away about something else.

The next day, while driving to Gold Beach, The Bad Drunk was drinking the six-pack he had bought at Cougar Lane. The Kids were in the back smoking dope. TLRC was driving. The road there is generally one lane with patches and dips and bumps and occasional oncoming traffic. TLRC drove in his usual conservative way: slow.

The Bad Drunk started to badger TLRC: “Go faster, Jesus Christ are you a grandmother, come on, what’s wrong with you &c &c &c”. For some reason, TLRC tried to explain why he was driving the way he was and let this go on for some while before he realized he was arguing with a bad drunk about something stupid.

So he did something stupid in response. TLRC looked over at The Bad Drunk and said “Like this?” and stomped on the gas and drove as fast as he could for a mile or so. The Bad Drunk looked appropriately terrified. Looking around, TLRC saw that the potheads had gone white. TLRC stopped in the center of the road, turned to The Bad Drunk and asked “Enough?” The Bad Drunk nodded and TLRC drove on in what he considered was a safe manner.

The next day they went up to run the North Fork of the Smith. On the way in they stopped at a high spot to look at the view and The Bad Drunk and TLRC walked away from the car to look around. On their return The Kids were burning their way through a fatty with the shuttle driver. This discomfited The Bad Drunk, whose car it was, and pleased TLRC.

TLRC was futzing around with his boat at the put-in when his Combat Information Center (CIC) pinged him about the incoming bogey apparently trying to avoid the sensor arrays. TLRC gave a quick half-turn and saw The Assailant coming in low and fast with his arms extended. Clearly, The Assailant intended to grapple TLRC at least, and probably to take him down onto the gravel.

While the CIC brought the Target Acquisition and Fire Control algorithms online, TLRC pondered the situation. He knew The Assailant reasonably well, and they had always gotten along, and had just had a pretty good time together on the Illinois. The Assailant had always seemed like a peaceable and friendly sort of guy. TLRC could think of no earthly reason that he was suffering this sudden attack.

On the other hand, TLRC knew that The Assailant had been a wrestler, was a pretty beefy guy, and had at least twenty years on TLRC. If The Assailant was intent on pressing home a real attack, TLRC could be in for trouble.

TLRC had realized that one of the problems with Shotokan karate (if one chose to view it that way) was that there was no “flexible response” or “escalation ladder”, as the nuclear war theorists put it. Shotokan training relied heavily on parrying an attack and responding to it, emphasizing the defensive focus of the discipline. The responses were intended to put a stop to a fight in a very definitive way: performed correctly,  some pretty awful things should happen to the attacker. In real life, this limits the options available to a karate practitioner. It is sort of like carrying a .45 or a knife. You might well prevail, but save for the most dire situations one might end up being responsible for actions he would rather not be morally or legally associated with.Thus TLRC did not want to do anything he’d regret, and most certainly he did not want to hurt anyone at all, especially in such a vague and uncertain situation as this.

Target Acquisition had by now told TLRC that a nose was easily available for a strike, should he choose that option. TLRC decided that his best choice was to feint with a back-fist strike (uraken) to distract The Assailant, while he, TLRC, got out of Dodge and figured out what was going on. Uraken is a very fast strike, useful against weak body targets. One makes a tight fist and, keeping the wrist, elbow and shoulder very loose, pulls the fist up against the opposite shoulder and then uncoils it like a whip, as fast as possible. A wrist snap at the end gives a final burst of kinetic energy and the force of the strike can be concentrated on a very small area of knuckle.

TLRC asked Fire Control for a solution that would put the middle knuckle of his right hand about an inch in front of The Assailant’s nose, and pulled the trigger.

Unfortunately for The Assailant, TLRC had quit training a few years before due to serious shoulder problems that had required surgery. He had chosen between karate and boating and quite frankly was a bit rusty. Fire Control in particular was poorly calibrated. The uraken unloaded precisely on the bridge of The Assailant’s nose.

The Assailant diverted his charge and backed away, making loud pain-associated noises and with both hands covering his face. TLRC felt terrible, and completely forgetting that he had just been attacked, and still had no idea what The Assailant’s intentions were, ran over apologizing profusely. Fortunately, there was no real damage (intended as a feint, the uraken wasn’t really loaded). To TLRC’s surprise, The Assailant was apologizing too, and feeling pretty much like he deserved what he had just gotten. “There was all that stuff about your karate, and I wanted to see what you would do. I guess I know”.

For some reason no one present believed that TLRC had missed his true point of aim, which kind of hurt his feelings. The Nice One was disgusted with The Assailant and thought he’d gotten what he’d asked for. There was no bad blood between TLRC and The Assailant. The Bad Drunk just thought it was all pretty funny.

TLRC Really Used His Mad Ninja Skilz, Once, Out in the World

When The Logging Road Cyclist was training, there were two major schools of Shotokan Karate in existence. One was TLRC’s school, the Japanese Karate Association (JKA), at the time led by Sensei Nishiama, the other was the Shotokan Karate Association (SKA) led by Mr. Oshima. To an outsider, indeed to most insiders below the higher black belt ranks, there wasn’t much difference. They used mostly the same training forms (kata), techniques (there were minor things like stance width that got argued over incessantly, but that any other than an adept wouldn’t notice) &c, &c.

The most notable difference was in attitude. The JKA was not training fighters, the SKA was. We JKA students were told that the goal of karate was “the perfection of character”, and indeed at one point TLRC had it figured out that part of this was that if were trained enough to prevail in almost any fight you ran into, but arranged your life so that a) you never got even close to one, and b) that if you did, you just walked away, you had absorbed something about both yourself and how you should carry youself in the world. Training was like a trap you set for yourself only to avoid, and in doing that, one progressed to a better self. There are, TLRC realizes now, probably more efficient ways “to perfect one’s character”.

TLRC, who spent a couple of years training with SKA (he had moved, and that was what was there) after getting his black belt, came to the conclusion that those guys all figured that somewhere, sometime out there in front of them was going to be a battle to the death, and they were going to prevail. TLRC enjoyed their tough training regimen, and in a way their combative attitude appealed to a certain dark part of TLRC that he still doesn’t like to acknowledge.

There was a pretty big difference training with the two schools. In his home JKA dojos, TLRC went to class and worked hard. On the way to SKA classes, TLRC’s stomach would tighten and he would sit in the car before going in, getting ready to get pounded on (there was some resentment of him being an auslander from time to time). One thing for sure: in the JKA one did not talk about taking it out in the street. One fought in the dojo, there, and there only. Using karate on an untrained person was considered disgraceful. Had TLRC ever really gotten into a fight in the World, he would never had disclosed it to his instructors, unless it was a true and necessary matter of self defense. In the SKA dojo TLRC went to, one of the head instructors would occaisionally  brag to TLRC about how he had gotten into some civilian’s face over some trivial matter.  This was not trivial, as the instructor was actually a pretty scary individual. TLRC was also warned about lightly going in to train in other SKA dojos, the implication being clear that here, they were more tolerant than usual, and TLRC might actually get hurt. It set a much different tone. Eventually, TLRC just left after getting tired of having constantly bruised ribs, and also enduring the endless racist jokes and troglodyte politics that were particular to this dojo (NOT, TLRC will emphasize again, the SKA in general).

Eventually TLRC moved back home, took up training again in the dojos of Peace, Harmony, and Light, and took up mountain biking too.

Early on as an MTB, TLRC took a trip to California and did a long ride in the Sierras above Pinecrest. This was a real ordeal for TLRC; 30-40 miles with lots of climbing and chasing his brother-in-law, one of the Machine People.  Well into the ride on a narrow trail through a meadow, TLRC ran his front wheel smack into a rock or something, which brought him to a dead halt.

Fortunately, TLRC was inept enough that he wasn’t going very fast anyway. He was also inept enough that getting his feet out of the still unfamiliar clipless pedals was hard. The end result was a forward-stationary TLRC who slowly tilted over to the right.

Naturally, he looked into the fall. There, on the ground was a log, and sticking out of the log was a limb with about 1″ diameter tapering to a sharp point. The tip of the sharp point intersected the arc currently being traced out by TLRC’s right eye as it swung groundward.

Instantly, time slowed to a near stop. TLRC removed his right hand from the grip, and smoothly brought it up to his left ear. During this movement, he pressed his fingers tightly together and bent them slightly. He curled his thumb into his palm and arched his hand, which was now a rigid striking tool. Keeping his elbow close to his ribs he began an outward swing, shoulder loose, upper arm, lower arm, wrist and hand held as a single structure. When the lateral side of his hand hit the branch, TLRC compressed all the muscles from shoulder to waist and emitted a forceful grunt, expelling his air and completing the solidification of body and striking masses into one. The limb snapped, and TLRC found himself, eye intact, lying attached to his bike.

Time resumed it’s normal flow, and TLRC lay there and laughed and laughed after completing this thoughtless effort. It worked just like they said it would! He had done almost exactly this move thousands of times doing basics and kata, and sure enough, it was part of him, just lying in there ’til needed.

Middle-aged Mutant Ninja Turtle

Get there first with the most. Nathan Bedford Forrest

The Logging Road Cyclist stood with his dojo-mates and seniors watching the kumite (sparring) rings on the far side of the large gymnasium. It was mayhem. Typically, Japanese Karate Association (JKA) events eschewed any serious contact; in fact it was against the rules. But if a competitor could stand being docked a point, a real blow could be landed. These guys were firing off full speed yoko kekomis (side thrust kicks, the karate equivalent of a 16-inch naval gun) at each other’s knees, and missing by fractions of inches, ditto rib-breaking gyaku-zukis (reverse punches). It was terrifying to watch because TLRC was entered, and for some reason at this particular tournament, the wise men had decreed that all ranks green belt and above were to be in the same kumite pool. TLRC had drawn a sandan (third degree black belt). He, TLRC, was a mid-level green belt.

The difference between a sandan and a green belt of any type is similar to that between a Nimitz-class carrier and a driftboat. The JKA is a conservative institution and has 3-levels each of white, green and brown belts, followed by a first degree black belt, or shodan. It was typical for students to take five or more years to reach shodan, after which, it was said, “one was ready to begin training”. Given the testing schedules, if one avoided failing any test at all, he or she might get there in a minumum of two years, but this was rare. From shodan to nidan (second degree) was usually another two to five years, and to reach sandan often took more than an additional five years, with luck. The JKA was very serious about ranking and it was expected that students would fail many tests, especially for higher degree black belts. One was expected to accept failure and work harder in the aftermath.

TLRC’s sandan was a middle-sized, middle-aged man. TLRC was a pretty big middle-aged man. The sandan ran a dojo in Washington near where the tournament was being held. TLRC didn’t really know the man, who had seemed nice in the past, but today was one of the worst agressors.  Ignominy, at least, was off the table today, given the disparity in rank. Physical damage, on the other hand was definitely on the menu. TLRC was seriously afraid of getting hurt.

The more he watched his scheduled opponent, the more TLRC worried. He needed a plan. He could simply dance around and try to stay out of the way and not attempt to score any points at all; be a heavy bag with legs in other words. This felt unsafe given the level of testosterone being displayed. TLRC decided on another, hormone vs hormone approach. They had had it drilled into them never to display emotion while fighting, always to present a calm face to the opponent and keep the boiling inside, where it was of use. There are displays and displays however. TLRC vowed to project to the sandan the clear signal that if TLRC actually got hit, then the kumite was going to get very real, very quickly, and that TLRC would take at least a little piece of sandan down with him, even though on it’s face this was a preposterous notion. TLRC planned to enter the ring looking as crazed as possible, and strike recklessly at his opponent as fast as he could. In retrospect, he may have gotten this notion from his recent perusal of numerous texts detailing the big carrier battles of 1942, where the basic tactical doctrine of carrier operations, always strike first, was proven correct again and again. TLRC hoped his strike arrived before the sandan’s fighters launched and antiaircaft batteries unlimbered.

TLRC stood in the ring, hands at his sides, face drawn to project as much anger as possible withut actually snarling. He tilted his head forward and slightly raised his eyes so that the whites showed beneath the irises: senpaku. It is rare for normal people to display this way. The insane or battle crazy do. It can subconciously rattle an opponent.

The whistle blew and TLRC charged. He actually had very little hope of this working. The sandans in TLRC’s dojo would either have evaded this clumsly assault or simply stopped it dead without mussing their hair; indeed they had done it many times. Usually they just herded him around like a pathetic sheep or played with him like a cat with a mouse.

But this sandan, like the Japanese Navy at Midway, scorned his opponent and had expected timidity or at least hesitation. TLRC actually made it, and, arriving in a respectable fighting stance got a straight punch right into the sandan’s throat at the adam’s apple. Even though TLRC stopped the punch at the surface, this was completely illegal, and the judge rushed in to stop it and penalize TLRC. Just before the judge arrived, TLRC looked straight into the sandan’s eyes, leaned his fist into the sandan’s throat, bared his teeth, and growled. Involuntarily, the sandan’s eyes widened.

The sandan proceeded to beat TLRC in about thirty seconds, by the book, with nothing scary and no contact at all.


Into the Blue

Doomed enterprises divide lives forever into the then and the now. Cormac McCarthy, The Crossing

How long, wondered The Logging Road Cyclist, as he lay prone on the massage table with his face puckering through the face-hole, did it take for the indiscretions of youth to ramify into one’s elder life? He was being worked on by the physical therapist he had stumbled on a few years previously. TLRC was not one to buy into woo-woo theories of healing powers, shamanism, crystals &c, but he had to admit this woman made him tend to give some credence to stories about women who could simply lay hands upon one and effect a cure. She seemed to be engaged in exactly this.

TLRC had long been plagued by recurring bouts of back spasms, and had been diagnosed with a Grade I L5-S1spondylothesis that might be the culprit. The latest round of distress was by far the worst he’d had, forcing him to put hands on knees just to get out of a chair and really bringing him to the ultima thule of decrepitude. This had gone on for more than a month. He moved and acted like an old man.

PT poked around a bit, had TLRC move this way and that, and pronounced a deficit in the action of the multifidus muscles, which she relieved by a bit more poking, and a silly, small excercise for TLRC to do. One visit cut the misery in half, a few days set TLRC well on the road to recovery.

On visit two, TLRC asked PT why the multifidi weren’t behaving. She mulled it over and     said that trauma to the area could well be the cause…

At the end of his last summer in British Columbia, TLRC was a confirmed Squamish crag rat. He and his main partner JB were looking to move out and do something different, namely some peaks rather than the usual rock. The obvious objective for TLRC was Slesse Peak, a granite tower on the border southeast of Vancouver. He had done the easy west face with a moron from the University mountaineering club a number of years before and recalled looking down the magnificant NE Buttress and the intimidating east face. It didn’t take much work to talk JB into doing the long, classic NE Buttress Route.

Slesse Peak. The NE Buttress (center) divides light from shadow.

They figured it would be easiest to traverse the peak and descend down the west side. Since the road up that side was about six miles from the road up to the east of the Peak, they needed some sort of shuttle, in this case an old and very funky bike of JB’s. The plan was to drop the bike off at the end of the west road, drive up to the east road, traverse the Peak, have one of them ride back to the car, &c, &c.

They got to the end of the east road and saddled up. TLRC took the keys and went to a large cut bank at the edge of the road that had one large tree root exposed. He took the keys and hid them at the right end of this root and showed JB exactly where they were so that either of them could do the shuttle, and neither of them would have to worry about the keys on the climb.

They hiked in. On the way, turning a corner, a sudden view of the Peak emerged. It stood out against the sky like a huge dark flame. TLRC had done a bit of Grade IV and V in Yosemite, and some real alpine rock in the Tetons and Sierra. Squamish Chief isn’t little. Even so, this first view of the route was spectacular and intimidating.

They bivouacked with stupidly inadequate gear and got started at first light, mostly because of the cold. The first part of the climb was class 4ish and went pretty fast. A steeper section reared up on JB’s lead and he took off up what looked to TLRC like an unreasonable choice of route, as in a whole hell of a lot harder than what was pretty obviously a whole lot easer just off to the right. But it was JB’s lead…

Eventually, JB flamed out in an increasingly overhanging crack splitting a narrowing rib, the whole affair looking a lot more 5.11-like than anything they were supposed to encounter. TLRC started to try to talk JB out of his folly. JB persisted, until TLRC felt the alarms going off at the base of his skull as he pictured getting JB out if something really went wrong and he, TLRC, finally just made so much of a fuss, telling JB just to goddamn put in a friend (back then a new camming invention, and very expensive), and one of TLRC’s friends if it came to that and get down and back on route. So JB did this, and they got on their way…

JB redeemed himself a little further on as they hit the crux of their climb. At about half-height, the climbing is on mangy, dirty, low angle rock, not too hard, but not easy to protect, given a lack of cracks. Just about the time the route kept all of this but the low-angle part, a violent thunderstorm erupted over the Peak. JB was well out on his pitch with nothing in to stop a fall as the water ran an inch deep, turning the dirt into mud. Rockfall commenced and TLRC huddled in his cagoule. Eventually JB found a belay about a rope-length out and TLRC came up. Water ran over his hands and his EB’s slipped in the mud. Holds were rounded and the pitch was likely 5.7 or 5.8 even when dry. JB had pulled it off with aplomb, the sun came out, and TLRC swung into the lead.

They got to the base of the final third of the route where the Buttress rears back and reaches for the heavens.

Upper part of NE Buttress (left skyline)

The Buttress here is fearsomely exposed and looks out over the spooky East Face into which a prop airliner slammed back in 1956, killing all 62 souls on board (the worst airline disaster in the world at the time; TLRC had found a few shards of aluminum at the base of the route and felt a Presence). The climbing was superb and well within range for TLRC and JB. They were loving it.

They summited as the sun was going down, and pondered for a while descending back to the east, but they were tired and did not like the idea of crossing snowfields and rough terrain in running shoes in the dark, so they stuck with the traverse.

They got to the steep trail off the west side just before dark and headed down towards the road. In the dark with their one headlamp it seemed to take forever. They were both exhausted and by the time the got on the road TLRC (who had heard of this happening to marching soldiers, or Marines anyway), fell asleep while walking. Finally he could take no more and told JB he was going to lay down in the road and sleep. JB, made of sterner stuff said he’d keep going and get the car. After some time, TLRC stirred himself and stumbled down to the main road to sleep some more until JB got back in the car.

Curled up in the dirt, TLRC was awakened by the rhythmic squeak of JB’s poorly maintained bike (even then, TLRC was fastidious about bicycle maintenance). “JB, WTF”, spluttered TLRC, “ou se trouve la voiture?”, TLRC having learned un petit francaise while having lived in Canada. JB looked frantic, apologetic, crestfallen, embarrassed. He had been unable to find the keys to the car. Groaning, TLRC got on the miserable bike and ground his way the six miles to the car. There he found the cutbank pockmarked as if a gopher had been at it, evidence of poor JB’s futile search. TLRC directly laid hands on the keys, collected the snoozing JB and, well satisifed with themselves they set off for home.

“That went well”, said TLRC and JB a little while later, “let’s do some ice climbing!” Since neither had done any more than a bit of snow, but both (like many rockclimbers TLRC knew) owned crampons and tools, they had the wherewithal, if not the ability. Being cautious and sensible, they picked what they were assured was a reasonable objective: the Coleman Glacier on nearby Mt Baker, in the States, as we said back then.

Mt Baker, Coleman Face

TLRC remembers only the salient events of the day. They got to where they needed to be, worked their way up to steepness and crevasses and roped up. An historical note is appropriate here. While climbing harnesses were available at the time, no one in TLRC’s circle used them. Rather, they used swami belts, 2″ webbing wrapped three or four times around the waist and fastened with a water knot. One tied in by knotting the bight of climbing rope through the belt. TLRC preferred a double fisherman’s bend for this, a tidy, compact and secure-looking knot. For some reason the folks that TLRC hung around with didn’t like the idea of depending on stitching for the last line of defence. On the other hand, in the event of  fall, one took the enitire force on the waist, small of back and ribs.

All that TLRC remembers of the climb is being roped, traversing around some crevasses and taking a little jump over a little crack. When he landed, he tripped and fell flat on his face, not being used to the total stopping power of his unfamiliar crampons. He immediately began to slide, feet first, down the suddenly very steep slope.

In theory, this shouldn’t have been a problem. One of the few things TLRC actually DID know about real mountaineering, and had actually become proficient at, was  self-arresting with his ice-axe, which he was indeed holding at the ready when he jumped, because he was preparing himself for a similar eventuality. The problem is it didn’t work, or to state the matter with more precision, TLRC failed to self-arrest.

A couple of frantic seconds ensued, after which TLRC flipped over backwards as he cartwheeled over the lip of a huge crevasse. To this day, when recalling it, he can see clearly in his mind’s eye the flash of perfect alpine blue sky as the crevasse swallowed him.

After a number of hard blows, including at least one to his head, TLRC was brought to a hard stop, the full force on his belt. He hung, and looked past the toes of his boots into a spectacular blue space that went down and down and down…

His headband flew into the depths. The left lens of his sunglasses had been knocked out by the blow and fluid was dripping down from his face away to a place he could not see. He assessed his situation while JB, in a much more serious tone than their usual banter, was demanding to know TLRC’s “situation”, which amused TLRC. A bit.

What the “situation” was was something that could have been an order of magnitude or so worse. TLRC had fallen down a narrow, less than vertical gully at the edge of the crevasse, and had stopped, fortuitously, just before it debouched into the true ghastly blue netherworld. TLRC was bleeding from his head, but it seemed to be just the left supraorbital ridge. He hadn’t broken anything, nor (perish the thought) snagged a crampon point and snapped an ankle. JB had in fact been belaying TLRC, but amateurs that they were, they had way, way too much rope out, like a half a length, which is how far TLRC had fallen before he pulled JB off his stance. JB slid helplessy another 20-30 feet before the rope drag on the edge of the crevasse stopped them both from dying.

JB reestablished his stance. TLRC was shockingly OK with the whole situation. Once belayed, he got himself turned around and pulled the ice tool off of his pack. With that and the ice-axe, he climbed himself out, and enjoyed himself, actually thinking that this ice climbing was really pretty fun and that he and JB should do some more of it.

He got over the edge, and JB was all business. He ordered TLRC around! (They usually had a much different dynamic.)  He made TLRC march right over to a designated spot and sit down and be subjected to a thorough examination. At this point, TLRC burst into tears from a combination of adrenaline collapse and the realization that by being an idiot he had nearly killed JB. JB held him like a child until TLRC collected himself.

They made their way off towards the standard route. TLRC had taped up his glasses to avoid going blind and was feeling worse as time passed. By the time they got to the approach trail, he felt like he had a horrible case of flu and could hardly walk. Stumbling slowly down the trail, a voice from behind asked if “We can pass, honey, because we’re going a little faster than you?” Two rotund, middled aged women with curlers in their hair and pails of mushrooms squeezed past him on the trail and clucked in a comforting way about TLRC’s awful face.

Back in Glacier, TLRC went into the store for hydrogen peroxide, gauze, tape and beer. In the pizza parlor, we went to the sink with mirror that served both the men’s and women’s toilets and examined his face. Black left eye, other bruises, bad cut over the left eye. He set himself and began to scrub dried blood out of the gash, which began to leak again. A fastidious patron came out of the men’s room and automatically turned to the washing facility, now awash in TLRC’s blood. Patron took a look, glanced at TLRC and left, silent and unclean.

In Vancouver, TLRC, now solidly anesthetisized by beer, got his unsympathetic quasi-girlfriend to take him to the ER. “You look and smell like a drunk who got in a fight” she archly informed poor TLRC. The ER doc was a young and handsome jive-assed sort of guy who apparently knew something about climbing. He said there’d be 8-10 stitches on the eye and was pretty relaxed about the whole thing until he asked TLRC how far he had fallen. “Fifty, seventy feet maybe.” “Belt or harness?” “Belt.” “Lie back down.”

This knocked the stuffing out of TLRC’s climbing. Maybe it was all this event, or it and other things like grad school-girlfriend-marriage-job, but TLRC just never got it back together. He and JB did a couple of midwinter climbs on the West Lion and Blanchard’s Needle. TLRC moved like a stud on the sandstone walls at Stanford, did some of the Squamish-like face routes on Middle Rock and some other things, but he never got his mojo back. Oddly, this had no effect whatever on his kayaking, for in the year after The Fall, TLRC did by far the hardest boating of his life and was unshaken. Who can fathom the mind, or the multifidi for that matter?

TLRC Coins an aphorism

Once you have learned to self-moderate, you have become old. The Logging Road Cyclist

The Logging Road Cyclist is humbled and awestruck by the dozens, nay scores of faithful blog followers who have welcomed his return to posting. They often ask: “TLRC, why are you writing stories about your macho, not to say studly, youthful exploits as opposed to your usual lyrical descriptions of your more cerebral explorations of Oregon’s decimated forests?”

The simple answer is that TLRC has learned to self-moderate while trying to recover from pudendal nerve damage incurred about a year ago. He has been madly self-moderating in hopes that he might ride again, and in spite of a lot of negative indications over the last year, he may well.

In the meantime, between trying saddle after saddle and even a full-suspension recumbent, TLRC, who has missed his blog himself will follow the prescription of the master of the short story, Jorge Luis Borges:

I do not write for a select minority, which means nothing to me, nor for that adulated platonic entity known as ‘The Masses’. Both abstractions, so dear to the demagogue, I disbelieve in. I write for myself and for my friends, and I write to ease the passing of time.

Another Saturday, Another Beating…

The thing about beatings is you never get used to them. Except you sort of get used to them. Jesse Pinkman

The Logging Road Cyclist enjoyed the little regimen of biking along one of the rivers he used to paddle and letting that morph into a story from the glory days. Or the salad days (which, TLRC, ever anxious to increase his reader’s erudition, will point out is a saying taken from Shakespeare’s Antony and Cleopatra).

The Quartzville story got TLRC in mind of another beating that he took at around the same time. Since biking is still a bit dicey for TLRC, and the roads around Crabtree Creek pass though clearcuts that are horrific even by his standards, TLRC figured he’d cut to the chase, omit the ride, and just tell the story. He begs his readers to be tolerant; this blog will still be mainly aboout biking. Probably.

That winter, one of TLRC’s common boating partners was JC (a different one). JC was a grad student, father and as bad a drunk as TLRC was at the time. Another new generation boater, JC had cut his teeth in the Appalachians and was trying to fit in with the Willamette Valley boating scene. It irked him no end that the Upper Echelon was fine with a paddler from the Jurrasic like TLRC, but that he was having to prove himself. TLRC, still slipstreaming on his steadily diminishing rep from the Golden Era was happy to pull JC along with him, but he was getting tired of the whining. TLRC was especially put off when, while doing an Upper Echelon run of Canyon Cr. that was top-heavy with big-name locals, TLRC had brought JC along, and JC was steadily complaining to TLRC to hurry up lest he, JC, get blamed for slowing things down when in reality it was a pretty scared TLRC who was taking too long to scout, etc.

But in general, JC was an amiable enough partner. He was more than competent; safe; knowledgeable; and most importantly to TLRC, JC was loyal. If TLRC got jammed up somewhere he knew that JC would do whatever could be done to bring TLRC back home. And that is really at the bottom of the whole thing. They paddled together a lot for a couple of winters.

Early during the first of those winters, when TLRC was still feeling his way back into a kayak, and slowly realizing that he wasn’t ever going to be a very large dog anymore, he and JC went up to run Crabtree Cr. It had the reputation as one of the sort-of-standard class III runs coming out of the Cascade foothills. Perhaps they went up there because they knew it would be stomping after the big storm they had just had. This seems likely because they generally were after bigger game that winter.

They found their way through the maze in the clearcuts to the North Fork and put in. It was small and very high and very woody. In a little while they had picked their way down to the confluence with the South Fork, and things got really big for such a small stream. JC took off over towards river right and once he was clear, TLRC followed, but more out in the center.

TLRC has a vague memory of a large hump of water left of center in the river. At the time, he didn’t think much of it, mostly because it didn’t look like much and he was pretty solidly focused on all the wood that could be in the river.

Cresting the hump, TLRC instantly shifted his focus from theoretical wood to the horribly real reversal hidden behing the hump. This thing was  absolutely huge and tossed TLRC in a quick backwards flip as soon as he entered it. Pulling himself into a protective rolling posture, the next thing he new he was upright through no intention of his own. Taking what he could, TLRC grabbed a brace on his weak left side, hung on, and assessed his situation, which was very bad indeed.

The upstream face was higher than head-high. He could hang on with his left arm bent at about 90 degrees, which wasn’t awful, but then the hole was violent enough that his boat was bouncing up and down about a foot at a time. TLRC reached into the usual bag of tricks…

He worked his way forward to see about getting out of the right end of the hole. He got there and it was too high to climb out of. Sliding back from that, his upstream edge caught and he was down, somehow flipped forward end-for-end and then righted, this time on his right side. This being his strong side, he backed up, flailing carefully and took a run at the left end of the hole. Same result. He tried to foward end-for-end out. He tried to backward end-for-end out. Each time TLRC wound up inverted, then flipped up. Somewhere deep within his lizard brain, TLRC was congratulating himself for being able to pull all this out of his hat after all these years; that he was staying pretty calm and had a plan. But that was, to say the least, the upside. The downside was that TLRC was rapidly running out of strength and air, and that sometimes he was simply getting flipped over by this violent reversal just because. Swimming was unthinkable. Between all the wood, the lack of eddies, and the very fast but shallow and bouldery streambed, a swimmer would either get pinned or beaten to death in short order. TLRC decided: if he didn’t wash out the next time he flipped over, he’d roll up, pop his spraydeck and see what happened. Not really a decision per se so much an an acceptance.

Soon enough he was over again, and not through his own agency. The usual harsh wash cycle disoriented him and he tucked. A sudden calming gave him hope and up he went blinking like a mole trying to find where he was.

Just below the hole as it turned out, getting sucked back in for another go. TLRC backpaddled away and quickly turned to see what he was drifting into. This was hard, since, having just been pounded into hypoxia, TLRC was seeing very double.

His four eyes were draw to the right bank, where an oblivious JC was scouting the next riffle, just below. TLRC scrambled over and jammed his boat up on the bank and sat there trying to re-oxygenate. TLRC had gone through the usual time-warp that getting really, really stomped in a big hole induces, and as a result, was pretty miffed that JC, who had only gone through, like 30 seconds of real time, hadn’t noticed that TLRC had been hole-riding for a few days…

As it happened, JC was looking downstream because what was there was what typified the day’s outing: a river-spanning log about six inches above the water that was too shallow to roll in. Thre were no eddies. Had TLRC swum, he would at worst been toast, and at best bludgeoned.

After all this, the rest of the run was nerve wracking. Any riffle whose bottom was out of sight had to be scouted, and just to be sure they never got slack, most of them had killer, or at least wounding wood in them with no place to roll underneath and no place to to stop. It was truly wierd to be boating class V on a class III run.

For the next few days TLRC pondered how ironic it would have been had his ticket got punched on little, out of the way Crabtree, after everything else he’d managed to skate through.